


Better Than These Broken Parts

by Goggles_McGee



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Evan Hansen Has a Crush on Connor Murphy, Gen, Graphic Descriptions of Suicidal Thoughts, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, no one dies, please read the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 10:01:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18071258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goggles_McGee/pseuds/Goggles_McGee
Summary: Evan Hansen knew today wasn't going to be a great day despite what his mother thought, though he still had a slight childish hope it would be, or at least part of it would be, but now he knew for sure that it wasn't.  If it was, then Connor Murphy wouldn't be mad at him and he wouldn't be angrily running away from Evan. Today wasn't a good day and here's why.(AU where Evan is the one to try and commit suicide, not Connor. He also had a crush on Connor, not Zoe, but he still mentions Zoe in his letter because he admires her.)





	Better Than These Broken Parts

**Author's Note:**

> This is my piece for the Dear Evan Hansen Big Bang!! I hope you enjoy it!

Evan was panicking, which wasn’t anything new, but this felt awful. How did it all snowball so fast? He knew today wasn’t going to be a good day, he knew, but he still held a small bit of hope that his mom was right and maybe things would start looking up for him. She couldn’t be more wrong. Evan knew nothing good would have come from writing those therapy letters but he didn’t want to disappoint Dr. Sherman, or his mom, but now one of those letters made Connor Murphy, who Evan thought he could be friends with (hopefully more), really angry at him.

It was a misunderstanding, he understood that, but it could have been avoided if Evan wasn’t such a screw up. If he hadn’t had to print that stupid letter then Connor would still be there with Evan in the computer lab and they would still be awkwardly talking, because Evan’s default setting was awkward, but they would be conversing, and everything would be okay. Maybe he would have even gotten Connor’s number so that they could be real friends and not pretend friends like Connor had suggested when he had signed his cast. Now that possibility was gone because Connor had seen his sad letter to himself and thought Evan was a horrible person, which maybe he was, and ran away angry because he thought Evan was a freak and interested in his sister. God, he would probably tell Zoe, wouldn’t he? Then they would both laugh at what a freak he was. Poor, sad, pitiful, Evan Hansen, the freak.

Was he breathing? It didn’t feel like he was breathing. Oh my god he wasn’t, was he? Wait…no he was but it was shallow at best. Why wouldn’t his heart just calm down? It felt like it was bruising him with how hard it was beating against his ribs. He was probably crying too, god he really was pathetic, wasn’t he? He tried to do those breathing exercises Dr. Sherman told him to use when he was having a panic attack, it didn’t work for awhile but eventually his attack ended. When it ended, Evan just felt so drained. Just…so drained. He already knew he wasn’t going to try to make it to his therapy appointment today, there was no use lying to himself. He texted his mother to let her know, when he did he saw a text from her reading, ‘I’m so sorry honey, I won’t be able to pick you up and take you to your appointment. I got called in. Maybe ask Jared if he can give you a ride home. Love you! See you in the morning. Remember, I left you a 20 on the counter so you can order a pizza or something for dinner.’

Evan sighed, he knew it wasn’t his mom’s fault, but the text really didn’t make his day better. He contemplated actually seeing if Jared could give him a ride but thought better of it, he knew Jared would bail, or on the off chance he could give him a ride he didn’t want to sit there awkwardly listening to Jared talk about his camp friends and continuously calling him a family friend. He wanted to believe it was just a joke but with the constant reaffirming, he feels like it’s the truth. When did his best friend become just his “family friend”? When did his mom become his roommate?

Similar thoughts screamed at him as he just bit the bullet and decided to walk home. He wanted the thoughts to stop, to just shut up and stop. But the more he tried to will them to shut up, the louder they screamed. He sent a text to his mom telling her he didn’t feel well and to see if they could reschedule his appointment, but that he would ask Jared to give him a ride home. He wouldn’t but he knew his mom would feel better if he said that. She wouldn’t worry. That’s all Evan did, he made her worry about him. A son shouldn’t do that to their mom, or at least that’s what he thought. Evan let that thought and similar ones fill his head as he walked home, it was far, sure but there was no way he was going on the bus. Not when you were always practically elbow to elbow with people, and then it would get uncomfortably warm because of all the body heat, it didn’t even matter how cold outside it was, it would always feel like a sauna in the bus. Then there was that awful lingering scent of BO and too-strong perfumes and colognes. Some people were at least nice but Evan still felt like they were all judging him on the way he stood, the way he sat, the way he hunched into himself, the way he would bunch up his shirt, but he couldn’t help but do so because he knew they were staring at him! He just couldn’t take that today.

He kept on walking, not really taking notice of anything around him. He had to make a new letter to himself now. If he didn’t his mom would be disappointed. She would say she was worried, but Evan knew it was disappointment, he could see it, hear it, no matter how much fake cheer she put in her voice. The thing was, his mom didn’t have time to worry about him, or well, she shouldn’t have to make time to worry about him. She was already busy enough without her son being in her way. If he was gone she would most likely have her law degree already and wouldn’t have to work those god-awful shifts at the hospital. Jared wouldn’t have to play nice with him or give him rides. Dr. Sherman wouldn’t have to repeat everything he told Evan every session, and he wouldn’t have to be disappointed when Evan didn’t meet his expectations, and his mom wouldn’t have to pay for the sessions. He was almost home now, he was sweating but he didn’t really notice, because the only thing he could think of was how much better everyone would be without him in their lives. Hell, even Zoe and Connor, who barely even knew him would be better off without him awkwardly wishing to talk and be friends with one and talk and be boyfriends with the other. Like that would ever happen. Evan was too anxious to date, he wasn’t worth trying to date, he would just drive the other person away, he knew it. His feet were throbbing, and yet he barely acknowledged it, he was almost home anyways.

Finally after his long walk he made it home, and he didn’t feel relief like he thought he would. Like he hoped he would. He just…felt numb now, the thoughts he had on his way were still there, still buzzing around like bees in a hive that had just been poked. Usually his anxiety would make him overanalyze those thoughts and the pros and cons of them, but he wasn’t doing that. He just made his way up to his room slowly, step by creaky step. He didn’t even wince when they did creak like he usually would. Maybe because his thoughts have never got this bad? They got bad and dark, but he never seriously considered what they were telling him. Until now he thought. It was like his body was on autopilot as he got to his room and opened up a well-used notebook he used for his thoughts, things he wanted to maybe write in the future, the notebook he started using somewhat as a journal and place he would write drafts of the letters to himself. He grabbed a pen, when he would usually grab a pencil and wrote all of what was in his mind. Once he was done he didn’t think twice about tearing out the paper and folding it up and placing it on his pillow, then he just sat there staring at his clock. He didn’t think he had sat there for long but when he blinked and refocused on the clock it shown it was nearly 11PM. That happened sometimes but never this bad, and yet, Evan couldn’t bring himself to care. He just got up, slipped a sweater on, grabbed his bottle of Prozac and headed out the door and just walked.

He walked and walked until he found himself at a park, the trees looked rather tall, of course they weren’t nearly as tall as the ones at Ellison State Park, but they would do. He proceeded through the motions of climbing the tree, branch by branch, not pausing even when he got scratched, it took him longer than normal because of the cast but eventually he reached the top. Well, close enough to the top, at least. Evan really didn’t want this to be like last time where he came out with nothing else but bruises, scrapes, a small concussion, and a broken arm. He had to do this right. He couldn’t make his mother pay for another hospital visit, and he would make sure she didn’t. His hands didn’t shake when he grabbed the bottle of Prozac from his pocket, and they didn’t shake when they opened the bottle. Usually it took him a while to open his medication, but tonight, he got it in one try. There were no more thoughts screaming at him, they were calm, and Evan finally felt at peace. It was like he was finally doing something right. He took out a mini water bottle that his mom had bought from one of the gas stations by their home. He opened it and let the lid fall down, down to the ground.

He didn’t hesitate as he filled his mouth with pills, and he didn’t hesitate to drink the water, and he didn’t hesitate to repeat the actions. He briefly wondered if he should wait for the pills to kick in before he “fell” from this tree or to just try his luck and “fall.” In the end he decided to wait till he felt something, from there all he did was apologize to his mother and smile sadly before he felt his body tipping forward.

__________________________________________

It was officially the second day of school and Connor was…well if he was being honest he was confused, but also frustrated. He had planned to kill himself yesterday, and he was going to go through with it, but he didn’t. All because of Evan, fucking, Hansen and his letter, his weird letter that Connor had read over and over again. He honestly was going to throw it away, but by time he had gotten home, the letter was somewhat forgotten. Only the anger of what happened remained, God, he thought Hansen was different! He thought, maybe, just maybe- nevermind. It didn't matter what he thought anymore. He had a plan and dinner with his family only solidified his want to go through with the plan. Once everyone was asleep he quietly grabbed the pills he had hidden in his room, some pain medication his mom had had when she sprained her ankle last summer. They had been forgotten in a corner of their medicine cabinet and when Connor had found them, he hid them in his room behind a book in his bookcase. His mom made it a habit to check his drawers and under his bed, she thought he didn't know but he did. His room may have looked messy but it was organized chaos, he knew where everything was, because everything had a place. He had come home one day to see his copy of The Little Prince was on his bed rather than on his bedside table where he always had it. He thought nothing of it at first until other stuff ended up in places he didn't put them, after that he conducted some experiments, and yeah maybe he took some inspiration from Death Note. By putting lead in his door and if it was snapped he would know someone had been in his room. Whenever his door was taken away he had to get creative, purposefully leaving something in a place he k we he would never put them and then finding they had moved, that was when he just knew Cynthia was going through his stuff. The bookcase was the only place she didn't disturb and that was why it became his place to hide things in. He even had a couple of false books that he hid his stash in.

Dinner that night had gone about as good as any other had gone, awkward and tense at first that resulted in a screaming match between fucking Larry and him, the Zoe jumped at the chance to yell at him more for leaving her at school, the Cynthia tried to be the voice of reason, but only for Zoe and Larry. She never defended Connor anymore, she hadn't, not for a long time anyways. Not after the first therapist he had seen and refused to go back to after she insisted that just talking to his parents would help anything, after the pills she prescribed in didn't work as well as she had thought they would. Not after she was hesitant to prescribe him something stronger and Larry thought that he was lying about needing pills and therapists. He couldn't even remember when he had last seen one, maybe if he did things would be better, or they would be the same, they would probably be worse though. Even if he wanted to talk to someone, which he didn’t because fuck that noise, he didn’t have the money to do so.

Connor didn't even get the chance to finish his dinner as he stomped his way upstairs and slammed his door as hard as he could, he quickly locked the door and blasted his music. He could still hear Larry yelling at him. He only quieted his music once everyone started to head off to bed. He ignored Cynthia telling him that she left some leftovers for him in the fridge, Zoe calling him an asshole when she passed his room, and Larry telling him he could kiss his door goodbye tomorrow. Once he was sure they were asleep he slipped out his window and climbed into the roof with the pills in his jacket pocket, as quietly as he could he made his way to the tree outside Zoe's room, it used to be his room until his parents found out he used to sneak out by climbing down the tree, he still did, changing their rooms did nothing, the only thing that changed was that Connor had to cross the roof to sneak off into the night. As soon as his feet hit the ground he started walking to a gas station near by, he had to buy a drink to take with the pills, it had slipped his mind when he was about halfway down the tree. He enjoyed the small breeze he got on his walk, but that's about all he enjoyed about his walk, he would have rather taken his car but Larry had his keys hidden somewhere and his car was currently in isolation in the garage. It would have way too much noise just to get it out, plus he would have had to move Zoe's car out if the way and by that point it would have been useless. So walking was his only choice since he couldn't catch a bus at the time. He briefly thought about running to the gas station, but quickly dismissed it as soon as soon as he thought it, too much energy. He would save that for making his way to the park. Originally he had wanted to go to the abandoned apple orchard to do the deed, make it a statement about how it was the last place he had actually felt happy and part of his family, but then his car was taken away and so was that plan. He had to redo his plan and the best he could think of was going to a park he could walk to but one that not a lot of people traveled to, it was basically abandoned at this point and he had sometimes used that spot as a place to meet his dealer. But first he had to buy a drink.

The chime of the door opening didn't even seem to wake up the worker at the cash register who was dozing off so Connor made his way to back, so many choices, he was going to settle for water until he saw the Gatorade, the sodas, the tea, everything that wasn't organic was calling to him. He tapped on his leg as he considered what to pick before he decided, fuck it, and grabbed an orange Fanta and waking up the worker by slamming his drink on the counter. He wanted to apologize but he tried doing apologies already and see how that worked out? As soon as he paid, Connor continued his walk to the park, he didn't really think of anything as he did. He was basically running off his memory to take him to the park, he thought he would feel calm as he was going through his plan, he thought he would feel relief once he made it to the park, but as he made it to the park he felt no relief and though he wouldn't admit it, he was a little scared. His heart was pounding against his chest, so much so that he thought it would break his ribs with its force. He walked further into the park until he saw the blue paint-chipped slide and immediately took a seat at the end. Almost mechanically, Connor pulled the bottle of pills out of his jacket pocket and placed them in his lap as he opened the bottle of Fanta, hearing the hiss made everything feel more real in a way.

Connor felt his hands shake as he tried and failed to open the pill bottle and cursed at himself, in a fit of frustration he threw the pill bottle on the ground next to the slide. He just needed to calm down, that's all he needed to do. A self-deprecating snort escaped him at the thought, him? Be calm? Yeah okay. Nonetheless he took in a deep breath and held it before slowly letting it out as he shoved his still shaking hands into his pockets and that's when he felt the crisp edges of folded up paper, he heard the crinkle.

“What the fuck?” He mumbled to himself in confusion as he pulled the paper out of his pockets.

Slowly, he unfolded the paper and frowned when he saw that it was Hansen's damn joke letter, he nearly crumpled it up and threw it as far as he could, he also briefly considered lighting it in fire but decided against it. He didn't know why but Connor decided to read it, not just the beginning like he had in the computer lab.

“Dear Evan Hansen,” Connor began out loud, and again he found it super fucking weird that that Hansen kid wrote a letter to himself, trying to claim it was an assignment. “Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all.” He couldn't help the small pit of guilt that settled in his stomach, he was probably one of the reason that today wasn't an “amazing” day for Hansen, but he shook his head, no this was some fucked up joke, it had to be. Why else would Hansen mention Zoe? He had to know Connor would see his letter…but then again, how would he have known? Hansen looked pretty damn surprised when Connor had gone to apologize to him, like he hadn't expected anyone to talk to him. Maybe he really didn't mean the letter to be found, but then why write it at all?

“This…This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year- Jesus Christ-, because why would it be?” Connor continued. “I know because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe,” he couldn't help but growl when he read his sister's name again, yeah she was a bitch but she was still his sister. “who I don't even know, and doesn't know me.”

Now that line had never felt more true. As the years passed and Connor got worse the further Zoe got and the less they shared with one another. It felt like living in the house with a stranger, or like living with someone who says they're your cousin yet you've never met them, but your parents confirm their claim. He just kept reading instead of thinking, he didn't want to think of his “family" anymore. “Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all…yeah maybe…I wish,” Connor had to take a breath in again, “I wish everything was different.”

God did he. He wished he could be the picture perfect son for his picture perfect family, he would be miserable but it would be better than the relationship he had now, if you could even call it that. “I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. You and I both…I mean face it, would anyone…God Hansen,” Connor's voice was strained even to his own ears, “ I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? Sincerely, Your most best, and dearest friend, Me.”

Connor could do nothing more but just sit there on that dirty slide and stare down at the letter. How did Hansen put into words the things he couldn't? Did he actually feel that way? And that's where Connor stayed through the night, just reading the letter over and over until he eventually fell asleep on the slide. When it was morning, he woke up far too early than he would have liked but he knew he should be heading home before someone noticed he was gone, not that they would care, but still. Plus he wanted to shower, after spending the night in a park he was feeling a little gross. There was also the fact he wanted to actually go to school so he could talk to Evan. He had no idea what he wanted to say, and he didn't know if Evan would actually want to talk to him considering how he acted yesterday, but the least he could do was try. That's what his mom always said anyways.

Connor could do nothing more but just sit there on that dirty slide and stare down at the letter. How did Hansen put into words the things he couldn't? Did he actually feel that way? And that's where Connor stayed through the night, just reading the letter over and over until he eventually fell asleep on the slide. When it was morning, he woke up far too early than he would have liked but he knew he should be heading home before someone noticed he was gone, not that they would care, but still. It was a nice morning, nice enough Connor thought, if he felt up to it he liked to watch the sun rise, and today felt like it would be an okay day as he watched the sun rise and heard the town wake up with it. He reached home in record time and made quick work of climbing Zoe's tree before going onto the roof and over to his window. As carefully as he could he climbed back into his window and made sure to close it when he was safely inside, at this point it was almost second nature to do so, his parents knew he snuck out, they just never knew how. They thought he was sneaking out his door when everyone was distracted, they should give him more credit, he was more creative then that.

Just looking at his rumpled bed made the teen want to jump in and never leave but, he told himself, he had something to do today. Track down Hansen and get him to explain the letter, after that, well he didn't know, he'd cross that bridge when he got there. He was so fucking tired though, so he decided a luke warm shower was just the thing to wake him up, he would take a cold shower, he really would, but fuck that. He hated cold showers, it was like getting hit in the back by a million tiny icicles and he was not about that life. Besides he was always cold, the shower was a place of all-surrounding warmth, not a torture chamber, though he rarely indulged himself on long hot showers since he knew Larry would bitch at him about the water bill. So he settled for the luke warm shower and got ready with plenty of time to spare.

He just sat on his bed and waited till everyone was up, he figured he would wait till the last minute to jump into Zoe's car with her since he really didn't want to interact with his family. If they said anything remotely hurtful today, Connor just knew he wouldn't have the resolve to find Hansen and apologize again. So he waited and waited, even when his stomach twisted in an angry knot of hunger, until Zoe called his name from downstairs. Slinging his bag over his shoulder he quickly left his room, making sure to slam the door to let Zoe know he was on his way, though his stomping down the stairs probably did a good job of doing so as well. Of course Larry yelled at him about slamming his door but he did his best and ignored him and slammed the front door on his way out. He couldn't help the smug grin that tugged at his lips before he forced himself to make a blank face as he got into the back seat of Zoe's car. She looked at him through the rear-view mirror and rolled her eyes at him.

“So where did you go last night?” Zoe asked.

The question startled Connor, but he made sure hot to show it. “Out.”

“Yeah. No shit.”

“What were you doing up?” Connor countered as he slumped in his seat making the leather of the car squeak as he did so.

“Why do you care?” She spat out in response.

“I don't.”

It was such a simple answer, yet it was such a big lie. Connor knew that Zoe used to have trouble sleeping. Sometimes it was insomnia…other times it was his fault and he knew it. It made him feel guilty, but instead of letting that guilt make him apologize or help out his sister, the guilt turned into anger and only emphasized whatever he did to make her nights sleepless. Like yelling at her till his voice was hoarse with threats of harm or blasting his music so loud he no longer could hear his wicked thoughts. That's just how it was.

The rest of the ride was spent in awkward silence until Zoe turned on the radio to some pop channel making Connor shove his earphones in and blast his own music, loud enough for Zoe to hear and be annoyed by but loud enough so that Connor couldn't hear whatever complaints she threw at him. He could feel her eyes looking back at him every now and then and all Connor wanted was to get to the hell hole and find Hansen, after that well, he never said he would stay the whole day. Maybe he’d take a trip to the library near A la’ Mode, they didn’t rat him out and they let him stay and read for as long as he would like.

As soon as the car stopped, Connor was out the door and slamming it out of habit. He tried to walk as slow as he could, mainly because he didn’t want to go into the building just yet, school had this way of raising his fight-or-flight reflex. The other reason was because he knew Zoe was watching him, and he didn’t want her sticking her perfect little nose in his business again. She had this ability to make his situations worse than they were before, the worst part is some of the time she did it on purpose. You could really feel the love when she did that, and he absolutely did not need her doing that today, so he tried to play cool. Or well, more aloof, than cool. Once he entered the school, Connor made his way to the lockers since that was the first place, he could think to find Hansen. He waited around for about five minutes before he began to feel jittery, he never did like staying in one place for a long time, maybe if he was high, he could, but he was, unfortunately not high, and he had to do something with all his anxious energy. It was clear after some time had passed that Hansen wasn’t there yet, so Connor decided he must have been with Kleinman, so he would wait for them both, but the time passed, and Connor had to admit to himself once the bell rung that they both weren’t there. He was more than a little pissed but he figured he would just catch them tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and went and yet Connor would go to school with little to no fuss and wait by the lockers for either Hansen and Kleinman, he was pissed and for some odd reason worried, he didn’t know why but the feeling wouldn’t go away, so he just waited. He did this for two weeks until he saw Kleinman, usually Hansen would be trailing behind him if he wasn’t already at his locker, but no sign of Hansen was seen. But what could be seen, was on exhausted Kleinman. Damn, he looked like he hadn’t slept at all, not that Connor cared or anything, but Kleinman had certainly seen better days.

“Kleinman.”

Said boy turned to look at Connor, and damn from a distance he looked bad, up close he looked awful. “Murphy, my man! What's up?” Even his voice was toned down from what it usually was,

Connor raised an eyebrow but dismissed the weirdness, “Okay, whatever that was, don't do it again. Also, where the fuck is Hansen?”

“Dude, I know you’re a prick, like it’s your thing, but damn it, I hoped you would at least be a bit more considerate.” Jared snarled.

Okay, what the fuck?

“What the fuck are you talking about? I just want to give him back something.”

“Like seriously you would think you would have some shred of decen- wait…what?” And just like that Jared’s anger faded into disbelief.

“I wanted to return something to him,” Connor repeated slower, “What is he sick or something?”

And here’s the weird thing, Jared just kept staring at Connor with this unreadable look on his face, and he didn’t say anything. Not a word. Not. A. Single. Fucking. Word. Which is super weird because Connor would bet money that Jared came out of the fucking womb talking full blown sentences, or at the very least baby babbling like there was no tomorrow. But here he was being quiet and Connor would think it a miracle, if it wasn’t so damn creepy, and more than a little unsettling. Jared finally stopped staring at Connor only to look around them and it was only then that Connor noticed the little crowd they were attracting.

What really shocked Connor though was Jared grabbing his wrist and pulling him through the halls until they reached the nurses office, when they walked in the nurse, Mr. Harris looked over at them, and then just to Jared who smiled at him.

“Hey Mr. Harris, can I…would it be okay if we chill in here for first? Please?” Jared mumbled.

Once again, he shocked Connor, because Jared Kleinman rarely said please. Connor was partly convinced he didn’t even know that word, but this day has been anything but what Connor was expecting and at this point he was fighting a current he couldn’t even attempt to just stand against, let alone walk against, so he kept his mouth shut despite wanting to question Kleinman to all hell.

Next surprise was Mr. Harris actually getting up and saying he’ll lock the door for them. What the hell did he miss? He turned to Jared expectantly, in response, said boy just went to one of the beds and plopped down face first. Like, he didn’t take off his glasses or anything and a part of Connor kind of wanted to ask him if he was okay but a larger part of him wanted to know why the fuck Kleinman dragged him here.

“So?” It sounded more like a demand rather than a question but so what? Connor was feeling impatient.

A muffled sound was Kleinman’s answer before he flipped onto his back and sighed. “Yeah…so…Evan’s…Evan…He.” And then Kleinman did something else to shock Connor, and at this point Connor was sure he had gotten whiplash from all the surprises today, he thought nothing would phase him, but Jared Kleinman crying literally made his mind television static level of blank. Mayday! Mayday! Connor was not equipped for this. He did not do emotions. At least not sober. So he did the only thing he could think of and sat next to Jared, he didn’t touch him, he didn’t say anything, but he sat there and he hoped it was enough. It was a long while before Jared sat up and took off his glasses to rub at his eyes.

“Evan’s in the hospital.” Jared muttered.

“What? Why?” Connor didn’t know why, but his heart was hammering in his chest, it felt like it was the only thing he could hear.

“He’s…Connor, I’m just going to be straight with you,” Jared laughed humorlessly, “Evan’s not doing good, right now he’s in a coma, and we don’t know when he’ll wake up.”

Connor didn’t need Jared to say it, because he already heard the unspoken, ‘If he wakes up.’ He didn’t know why but he felt like punching something, which wasn’t a new feeling, but he also felt like crying? Which…why?

“What…What happened?” Connor didn’t know why he felt like crying, but he did.

“He tried to…he.” Jared couldn’t even get the words out but Connor understood, he understood more than he would have liked to. “I-I thought I was okay to come to school but I’m not. I’m really not dude.”

Connor nodded, “That’s okay. Look, I…I want to go see him. You want to come with me?”

It didn’t take much to get Jared to agree and the two set off to Jared’s car, Jared had made a quick call to his moms and they both got off-campus passes. It was the first time Connor had ever gotten an off-campus pass, and it was weird to actually have permission to leave school. Ha! If only his parents could see him actually leaving school with a pass, they would flip their shit and claim he was lying. The ride to the hospital was eerily quite except the for the pop music coming from the radio. Connor would have said something about the music choice, but he knew it wouldn’t have been appreciated, and well, Kleinman was his ride to see Hansen, so he wouldn’t fuck it up by teasing his friend’s music. So he did the only thing he could think of and that was just staring out the window trying not to think about the hospital and the reason Hansen was there, of course he failed, but he kept trying.

_________________________________________________________________

There are many things a mother wishes she could protect her children from, but Heidi never knew one of those things she had to wish for was to protect her son from himself. He always had a fear of talking to people, when he was younger her and Mark, her ex-husband, chalked to up to him just being shy. But somehow, she just knew it wasn’t shyness that made her little boy feel that way, and yet, she ignored it and hoped it would go away. Every time she thought back to that, she would feel guilty, because what mom ignores their child’s problems? She knows it was no excuse, but she herself was dealing with problems, her husband was coming home later and later, and he always had an excuse as to why. Then he was missing Evan’s little league games, then their anniversary, and finally he just up and walked out on them. Heidi knew it was wrong but she placed all her hope on Evan, and her anger, she tried to make sure he turned out nothing like his father, that, coupled with all the expectations Mark had already piled on her little boy was probably what broke him.

Broke. Broken. She remembers when Evan first called himself that. It tore her apart and she immediately found him a therapist, thinking it would help, because how could it not? She thought she had caught it at a young stage, she didn’t know how wrong she was. It quickly became obvious just how wrong she was when she went in to talk to the therapist and he told her Evan showed signs of crippling anxiety and depression. Honestly? She didn’t take it well, it felt like she went through the five stages of grief all over again when her first instinct was to find Evan a new therapist, because obviously this one had no idea what he was talking about.

Again, she was wrong.

She thought he was getting better. No. She hoped he was getting better and in doing so she tricked herself into believing it was true. That’s how she ended up here, sitting beside her child who tried to kill himself and who was now in a coma.

“Hi sweetie,” She whispered as she ran her hand through her son’s curls, careful not to tug on any knots. “I brought a razor! I know you don’t like the feeling of facial hair, well any hair on your body for that matter, so I figured I could help you shave.”

Even to her own ears her happiness sounded forced and faked, it was but she didn’t want Evan to know that. As a nurse she knew that some coma patients were known to be able to hear what was being said to them while they were comatose. So she made sure to talk to Evan every time she came over to see him, she didn’t get to stay long since she still had to work, she wished she could just stay by his side all day but she also didn’t want that. She knew her guilt would grow to be too much if she just sat there, so she welcomed the distraction of work.

“Let’s get started.” She said more to herself than anything as she unpacked the razor and shaving cream she brought. She caressed Evan’s face and smiled sadly at the stubble she felt. Evan hated how fast he grew facial hair, he said it was uncomfortable and a hassle. Once, when she had suggested him just growing it out, Evan had panicked and listed every reason why that would be a terrible idea. The most important one to him was, “What if the teachers think I’m older than what I am? Then students would think I was held back and that I’m not a good student! What if the teachers think I’m some kind of delinquent?” It was ridiculous but Evan took it very seriously, so she thought he would appreciate her shaving his face for him. It would be difficult with all the tubes and wires, but she would make it work.

“You know Honey, it was a February day when you dad packed up everything and left,” She didn’t know why but she got in the habit of telling Evan stories when she visited, little things to let him know his letter was wrong, that he was and is the most important thing in her life. “He pulled up in a U-Haul truck and…that was the day that it finally felt real, you know? I knew what was going on but it didn’t feel real until then.”

Heidi carefully wet a wash cloth in the bin of warm water she had filled before she sat next to Evan, then she patted the stubble with the cloth before she started to apply the shaving cream. “I remember I had told you to stay inside so you wouldn’t have to see your dad leave, or us arguing anymore than you already had. But you were in that truck and train phase, where they were the coolest things you had ever seen. You came running outside because there was a real live truck in our driveway!” She laughed softly, “We honestly didn’t know what to do so we just let you sit behind the wheel. You were so happy, you were smiling so wide.”

The tears couldn’t be stopped so Heidi decided to ignore them as she started to shave Evan’s face. “Then the goodbyes came, and after that it was just me and my little guy. But to be honest, the house felt so big after that, and I couldn’t help feeling so small in comparison. Anyways…that night I tucked you into bed like always, and I was just about to leave but you…and I’ll never forget this…you sat up in bed and said to me, ‘Mommy? Is there another truck coming tomorrow? A truck that’ll take you away?’ Now let me tell you, that broke my heart. And I will never forgive your dad for that. For what he did to us.”

“I knew that there would be moments that’d I miss after that, and there would be a space I couldn’t fill.” She couldn’t stop the sob that escaped but she just kept gently shaving her baby boy. “And as much as I didn’t want to believe, I knew I would come up short a million different ways. But I did, I really really did, and as much as it pains me to say, I know I will continue to do so, but I’ll do what I did that night.”

She finished shaving him and once again patted his face with the wash cloth before she gave his now smooth cheek a kiss before she slipped his hands into both of hers. “I took your hands in mine and squeezed them tightly,” she did just that, “and I said, I wasn’t going anywhere, I was staying where I was, and there wasn’t a truck coming to take me away from you baby. There’s no truck powerful enough to take me away from you my baby boy. There’s nothing that powerful so please wake up Evan. Pleasepleasepleaasepleasepleasepleaaaaaase.”

  
Yet again Connor felt like he didn’t know what to do with himself, vaguely he could feel himself crying. He hadn’t meant to intrude on such a private moment, but his brain must have fried or something because even though he knew he should have walked out of the room, he didn’t, he couldn’t. So he heard everything Evan’s mom had said. God, he wish he hadn’t, because if he hadn’t felt bad in the beginning, he sure would have now. Where the hell was Jared? He said he was going to call his moms to let them know they had gotten to the hospital, that was one long ass phone call if that was what he was still doing.

Just as he was about to try and regain control of his body to leave, Evan’s mom sniffled, she was done crying, or maybe she just couldn’t cry anymore, he didn’t know, but she turned and saw him.

“Oh dear, sorry, I think you have the wrong room sweetie.” Even though she had every right to be mad at him for intruding, she didn’t, she called him sweetie…when was the last time his mother had called him that? He couldn’t even remember, maybe that said something.

“I’m not. I mean, I came to see Han-Evan. Jared brought me?” Why did he phrase it like a question?!

He was not prepared for the look of surprise he got, maybe he should have been, but still, he was even less prepared when she got out of her chair and walked over to him and asked, “Are you Connor by any chance?”

All Connor could do was nod, how the hell did she know that?

“Oh sweetie…” was all she said before she pulled him into a hug. Connor hadn’t hugged anyone in a long time and was thus confused on what o do. Did he hug back? Did he just stand there like a jerk? He didn’t get a chance to really do either before Evan’s mom pulled away. “I was wondering when you would come. I wish I had known about you earlier, I mean I should have caught on. Evan mentioned you in his letter, and you were the only person to sign his cast, and then there was the letters he wrote to you I found in his journals.” Okay Connor was officially lost but he didn’t know what to say so he just let her continue.

“I mean I wish he had trusted me enough to tell me about his boyfriend and this really isn’t the best way to have met but I’m so happy to meet you.” Boyfriend!?

Thank god Jared walked in at that moment so Connor could try and collect his thoughts, why did Evan’s mom think he was Evan’s boyfriend. Like maybe he would be able to process this a lot better if she had just assumed, he and Evan were friends because he had signed his cast, but Letter? Letters??? He was so confused.

“Hi Heidi.” Jared said with a smile.

“Jared, why didn’t you tell me Evan had a boyfriend?” Ms. Hansen asked the bespectacled boy who looked just as confused as Connor but neither knew what to say.

“I asked Evan not to tell anyone.” Connor wondered who had said that but he realized it was him who did, and he had to refrain from slapping himself because what the actual fuck? Why did he say that? Okay…he knew why it was that look of hope in Heidi’s eyes, and it was how small Evan looked in that hospital bed.

Jared looked at him like he had grown another head once Heidi turned to look at him expectantly, Connor only looked at Heidi, then Evan, then back to Jared who seemed to understand and nodded at him.

“I’m not…I’m not out to my parents.” Connor told Heidi. “I asked Evan if we could keep it between us. I was, I was scared what my parents would do if they found out, not to mention kids in our school, Evan understood that, and he was really supportive. Jared didn’t know. I’m sorry.” Connor lied, even he was amazed at the bullshit that was coming out of his mouth. He wanted to stop but he couldn’t.

Heidi walked up to him and cupped his face in her calloused hands, Connor had no choice but to look at her. “Don’t apologize honey, I’m glad he has you.” Then she pulled away and smiled at both boys. “I have to work but I’m glad you guys are here to keep Evan company.”

After she left and they were sure she wouldn’t come back, Jared turned to Connor and gave him a look that screamed why. Connor groaned and plopped himself into a chair, which just so happened to be right nest to Evan. “You saw how she looked at me! I couldn’t tell her the truth.”

“I get that, I really do, but what the fuck man? Why does Heidi think you and Evan were secret lovers?” Jared asked incredulously as he sat next to Connor.

“I guess she saw that I signed his cast.”

“Yeah? I saw that too, that doesn’t exactly scream gay relationship.”

“I know, you dick. She said that Evan mentioned me in a letter? And that he had written letters to me. I don’t know. I really don’t.”

Jared was quiet which prompted Connor to look over at him. “He mentioned you in his suicide note?” He whispered.

Connor nearly choked on his own spit. Why would Evan Hansen mention him in his suicide note? Why did his mom call it letter? And what in that note made Heidi think him and Hansen were together? There was too many questions and not enough answers.

“She’s been calling it his letter lately. I think she’s doing everything in her power to not call it his suicide note.” Jared explained as he looked over at his friend, he was sad, but you could also see the guilt he was feeling. Why he was feeling guilty, Connor didn’t know but he wasn’t about to ask. “You know she’s going to ask how you and Evan met, right? And how you two kept in touch? Are you really going to go through with the lie?”

“What else can I do? Tell her the truth? You saw how happy she looked, and if…if this can help her out in anyway then…” Connor trailed off as he looked over at Evan. All the tubes and wires made the boy look impossibly small, and god, he didn’t deserve it. Any of it.

Jared sighed loudly, “Ugh…this is shitty, all of it, but I get where you’re coming from. I’ll help you.”

“Why?”

“It’s not for it, it’s for them. Heidi has enough on her plate and the truth would shatter her world right now so we are going to come up with your story later, I’m going to go grab a drink.”

Connor watched him leave and then looked over at Evan, maybe it was the lie still fresh in his brain, or maybe it was the fact he has been where Evan is in the past, not the whole coma thing, but the being in the hospital due to a suicide attempt thing, but he slowly grabbed and held Evan’s hand in his own. The first thing he noticed was the callouses, though there was an odd sort of softness to them, the next thing he noticed was the warmth the boy’s hand gave out. He released a sigh of relief, he knew it was ridiculous, but he was afraid that Hansen- er, Evan, he really had to get in the habit of calling him Evan and not Hansen now that they were “dating”, he had been afraid that he would be cold to the touch. It helped his mind know he was still there, he was alive and fighting.

“Why’d you do it?” He knew his question wouldn’t be answered, but out of all the ones he had asked and thought of the past two weeks, it was the one he would give anything to hear the answer to.

  
It had been a month since that day and Connor would be lying if he said he wasn’t becoming attached to Evan very fast. Jared and Connor had decided that they would tell Heidi that Evan and Connor had met during the beginning of summer and that they had decided to date a month into knowing each other. There was the slight road bump about how they talked to each other, but Jared was quick to say they talked through email. Thankfully Heidi believed them, but when she asked to see some of their messages, Connor had almost panicked and ruined everything, but Jared yet again came to his rescue and helped him fake some emails. Sooner than Connor would have liked he had to tell his family the lie, Zoe and Larry were, of course, skeptical, but his mom was devastated for him. She began driving him to the hospital to visit Evan and to Heidi’s home so they could visit her when she had time off work and class and the two became fast friends.

Heidi must have said something truly life changing because next thing Connor knew, his mom was demanding he go to a therapist. Connor wasn’t complaining, he wanted help, and he broke down and told her how he had planned to kill himself the first day of school, how Evan saved him, he even gave back the pills he stole. Apparently, neither she nor Larry had noticed they were missing. Larry had argued with her, saying this and that about Connor only doing what he was for attention and how dare he try to gain something from his “friend’s” attempt. He still refused to acknowledge that Connor and Evan were dating- fake dating. But Cynthia wouldn’t back down, and eventually Larry caved. Connor had been seeing Mrs. Levanski for a week and a half now, she concluded that Connor had crippling depression and bipolar disorder and immediately prescribed him medication. She said they would have to be patient and see if they help, and if they don’t, they try different medication. It was weird not to hear that she would give up on him if the medicine didn’t work, it was weird that someone was helping, and what was weirder was that Connor didn’t want to push her away. He knew he needed help.

Though there was always something nagging in the background, waiting to be acknowledged during their sessions, but Connor ignored it. Mrs. Levanski was one of the other people who believed Connor and Evan were dating, even though Connor wanted to tell her the truth, he couldn’t, because he finally admitted to himself, he wanted it to be true. The more he got to know the boy through Heidi and Jared, the more Connor could feel himself fall for him. Which, Jesus Christ, he was really pathetic wasn’t he? Falling for his pretend boyfriend?

It was another day of his mom and him going to visit Heidi, but unlike the other times Heidi took them up to Evan’s room, he didn’t even notice when his mom and Heidi left him in there on his own, he was too busy looking around. The bed was messy but that’s not what he noticed, the sheets had clouds on them, and there was this baby blue blanket that looked impossibly soft. He walked over to the bookcase and looked over all the books, there was some textbooks, and a lot of books about nature, like damn, but he noticed a book of fairytales at the bottom, it was clearly well loved. There was little knickknacks here and there in the bookcase, like dried up flowers and tree leaves, some rocks, some pictures of Evan when he was younger, just small things that Evan found important enough to keep and display. At the bottom of the bookcase was a wooden chest, and look, Connor knew it was wrong to snoop through other people’s things, but he grabbed the chest and sat on Evan’s bed. He opened the chest to see letters filling it to the brim, he grabbed the blue blanket and wrapped it around himself before he riffled through the letters till he came to a bundle held together by rubber bands, it was odd because none of the other letters were being held together, but the thing that caught his eye the most was the fact his name was scrawled on the top letter.

With shaking hands, he took the bundle out of the chest, there seemed to be a little over twenty letters, with as much care as he could muster he took off the rubber band and opened the first letter.

Dear Connor Murphy,  
This is stupid, God is this stupid, but I feel more stupid writing letters to myself, so I figured this was a good alternative. I’ve already tried making my letters out to mom and Jared, but that just felt strange. This feels strange too, but not as strange? Does that make sense? Probably not, but whatever. Today is going to be a good day because I saw you sketching in class again today. I know it’s weird to stare, but I always pay attention when you’re in class, since it’s not often you do show up. I saw you drawing the tree that was outside the classroom, it looked really good! I wish I could tell you how much I love your art, and I love when you draw because you look so calm.

Sincerely, Me

Dear Connor Murphy,  
  
Again, this is stupid but, today is going to be a good day because you smiled today and that made me smile. Your smile is a little crooked, and it looks like you’re not used to smiling which makes me sad, but that crooked smile of yours is beautiful. I wish you would smile more. I wish I could be the one to make you smile.

Sincerely, Me

Dear Connor Murphy,

Wow. You had your hair up today and I wish I had the courage to tell you how good you looked.

Sincerely, Me

Dear Connor Murphy,

You didn’t look good today. I know it’s hypocritical of me to say, but you should try to get more sleep, maybe do what I do and talk long walks? I don’t know if it would help but it helps me so I hope it helps you? I want to go on a walk with you, I could point out trees and you could tell me how lame it is. I wouldn’t mind because I know it’s lame, but I would be with you. I wonder if you notice me the way I notice you.

Sincerely, Me

He was crying and he couldn’t stop himself from doing so. Every letter was like that, pointing out something good about him or worrying over his wellbeing. How had he not noticed this boy? Why had he not noticed him? Sure, he knew who he was, but he only knew him as the cute albeit nervous wreck. He wished he tried to get to know him, he wished he hadn’t been so caught up in his fucked up world, he wished he noticed. He got up with the blanket still wrapped around his shoulders just to get a little away from the letters, he walked over to Evan’s desk that was covered in papers and a small bamboo plant, he needed a distraction so he looked over the things on the desk, that’s when he noticed the paper on top of all the others. Connor picked it up and opened it only to realize what it was.

Evan’s suicide note.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I’m sorry.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of being a burden to my mom, things would be so much easier for her if I was gone. She probably wouldn’t even notice the difference if I’m being honest, and maybe that’s for the best. I love her, and I hope she doesn’t mourn too long. I’m tired of being the “family friend” when all I wanted was to just be friends like we used to be, but I don’t blame him. He could really go places if I wasn’t here to hold him back. I hope Jared knows how remarkable he is. Then there’s Connor, I’m sorry to leave without telling him everything I wanted to say, but maybe it’s for the better. I loved him, but I never told him, and somehow, I feel like it really is for the better. But I know the truth and that’s enough.

So I’m going through with this selfish act and I hope everyone can forgive me.

Sincerely,Your most best, and dearest friend, Me

He was sobbing now and he didn’t know how loud he had been, but it must have been loud enough for Heidi and his mom to hear because he felt both women wrap him up in his arms, which just made him sob harder and cling to his mom’s blouse. She simply ran her hand through his hair, he couldn’t remember the last time she had done that, and Heidi rubbed his back. Time passed but Connor didn’t pay it any mind until he looked at Evan’s clock beside his bed, visiting times were almost over but he really needed to see him. He knew he could just see him tomorrow, but his heart was aching, it hurt, he needed to see Evan today.

“I need to see him. I need to see him.” He mumbled into his mom’s shoulder.

Neither Heidi, nor his mom told him no, they just all piled into his mom’s car and headed to the hospital. Once they got there he thought they would park and all go in, but to his surprise they pulled up to the front of the hospital and Heidi looked back at him and smiled sadly, “Go on, we’ll be out here when you’re done.”

He felt like crying again but he nodded and made his way to the elevators before ultimately deciding he couldn’t wait for the elevator to arrive, so he went to the stairs and took two at a time until he reached Evan’s floor. He was a little out of breath, he had a small thought to not smoke as much but quickly dismissed it as he walked to Evan’s room. He passed by some nurses, some of them knew him and waved as they walked past. Connor nodded at them in return, but he could do no more than that since all his thoughts were on Evan. With each step he took, he was that much closer to Evan and his heart felt like it was trying to break his ribs with how hard it was beating.

Finally, finally, he reached Evan’s room. As quietly as he could he made his way in and took his usual seat next to Evan and held his hand. “Evan, Evan, EvanEvanEvan. Why didn’t you just tell me? I wish you did. I wish I could tell you how amazing you are so you never feel so insecure again, how you tree obsession is actually kind of cute, I want to show you books to read or I could read them to you because Ev, you can’t just read nature books. I want to hold you in my arms and wrap us both in that blanket you have on your bed. I want us to actually be dating, and I know I’m not the best person, and I don’t know if I would be a good boyfriend, but I want to try…for you. So please…please wake up. Please wake up.”

He knew was rambling, but he was desperate. He just kept begged Evan to wake up as he cried. When he finally calmed himself down, he couldn’t help but press a small kiss to Evan’s hand. He looked at the clock, visiting hours would be over in five minutes and he was content to wait those five minutes out doing nothing but hold Evan’s hand in his. That’s what he was doing when he felt Evan’s hand twitch. He looked up from to hand to Evan’s face, but nothing had changed. Maybe he was imagining things, but it happened again! He moved his hand. Connor wanted to yell out for a nurse but all he could do was stare at Evan with bated breath. Just as he was thinking he should get up and grab a nurse, he heard a soft groan that couldn’t have come from anyone else but the boy in the hospital bed, and he felt fingers try to curl around his own. His heart was racing and he felt like he could cry again, as he finally found his voice.

“Nurse! I need a nurse!!”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments are very much appreciated!!! ^♡^


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